One day, I will be the Crab Football World Champion…of the world. Only two things stand in my way, the first being that there is currently no Crab Football World Championship. Small leagues are rare, maybe even non-existent. I’m working on that side of the problem, however…you can do wonders with social media and crowdfunding, if you can get people to align with your passion.
The other problem is that I was born with a slightly misshapen spine. You can’t usually tell, but when I get down and walk like a crab you really CAN tell. It makes crab walking slightly more difficult and I have to do it at a sort of tilted angle that stifles my breathing, but that won’t stop me. Besides, I’ve just discovered hyperbaric chambers, Melbourne having introduced them recently. A bit of a session inside one gives me the breathing power I need to power through the field!
As you can see, the hyperbaric medicine, my injury and my ambition make for the perfect sporting movie. Here I am, the ultimate underdog…or under-crab, as the case may be. I’ve been hobbling along with my slight disability, looking up at all the Crab Football champions and wondering if I’ll ever make it. Someone sees me in my oxygen chamber on day and thinks…there’s potential in that young lad. Yes indeed, he can go far, because I have an almost magical sense of potential, because I’m a coach in a sporting movie. Except this isn’t a movie…it’s real.
I then start my career being laughed at, but manage to make it up the ranks with my incredible skill. Just before the final game, the bullies from the pure-evil opposing team sabotage by hyperbaric chamber, the Melbourne championships (of the world!) only minutes from starting. Gasp! How will I compete in the big game and realise my dreams? Then I remember the advice of my coach, my father and my mysterious wise gardener all those years ago, find the strength to believe in myself…and become the Crab Football World Champion. Of the world.